[Kris Broun] -verb
1. to strike violently or forcefully and repeatedly.
2. to give blows to the head; pound
3. to cut, wound, or tear with the teeth
4. to kill by stopping the breath in any manner; choke; stifle; suffocate.

Tamara, if you don’t shut the hell up I will Chris Brown you then sell your body to the Mormons.

Doesn’t that sound like fun? Oh, it was such a great addition to my quintonic dictionary until:

[Awkward Silence]
Is he… for serious?

I mean he nearly kills our only black Cover Girl, and tries to play it off like a professional writer didn’t make this speech for him. Chris, some of them words are too big for you dude.

My favorite part:

My mother and my spiritual teachers have taught me way better than that. I TOLD RHIANNA…

 

I don’t think you really need a spiritual teacher to tell you to avoid putting someone in a headlock nonjokingly with the intent to kill. Don’t you just hate people who give you tired old formal apologies but still plan to kill you the next time they get a chance? And that is what the new Chris Brown means

[kris brown] -verb

1. to give a wiggity wack apology only because you got caught or called out for doing something you knew you had no business doing.
2. to appear regretful to a female while plotting to ruin her life further with you fists and/or teeth.

Tamara, I’m so sorry for pushing your head into the CTA door like that. It was immature. My mother and my spiritual teachers taught me better -BAM!- Take that! -Slap Slap- Ha! How you like me now, wotie.

I know his people are about to launch a full throttle campaign to get him back on the charts… but that police report is a reminder to anyone who has a sister, daughter, niece, aunt and mother that abusive men exist and that we should all be on the lookout for the signs. Ten dollars to the person who can explain to me why he’s still alive… No, really. :-/

PS. I really did push Tamara’s head into CTA property earlier today… then she cooked me dinner. I’m just being honest.

Party Foul

Ok. OK. So if you laughed at the last one you are going to hell in a Honda.

But at least the price of gas has gone down. Thank Obama! ;)

How do you get rid of the toxic people who are reeking havoc on your social and professional life?

Answer.

Give'm that Chris Brown facial.

Or.

Try this Friend Detox Test.

Stage I: Identifying the Toxic Friend

• Do you find it difficult (or not worth it) sometimes to explain how you feel about something to this person?
• Do they randomly make you feel guilty or trick you into taking blame?
• Do you dread their phone calls, chats, and text messages?
• Are you not completely “yourself” when this person is around?

If you said yes to all four of these move forward, if not stop whining.

• Don’t laugh.  But would you trust this person with your child?

If you thought long about that question (especially if you do not have children) and decided “No.” then you have established that this person is not trustworthy at all.  It is also safe to assume that you may have a certain level of fear or need to watch your back when you are around this person. And from the first four questions, you have determined that this individual is manipulative, kiniving, and a spiritual leech.  This is not someone that you want in your life.

Stage II: A Little Advice [from theFacebook]

let go of ANYONE who is in the LEAST trying to bring anything negative to your life! Let those heffas and assholes go! Its for the best! -Iesha

Just stay true to yourself and surround yourself with people who genuinely have your best interest at heart. And know that some of your biggest “haters” will be those who you expect to be your biggest supporters. Don’t take it personally, cause it’s not about you. -Allegra

Stage III: Plan of Action

• Start putting yourself first.  If you instinctively feel like hanging out with someone or talking to them will make you feel anything but great, DON’T DO IT.  Conveniently make yourself “Busy”.
• Distance.  You can slowly, exponentially place more distance between you and this person.  This distance can be physical/geographical or social/psychological.  If it is a co-worker, you should be able to do this without affecting your working relationship.
• Find a support system.  As “Oxygen Network” as this sounds, you will need close friends you trust to vent to and to keep updated on your progress.  In theory, you are escaping an abusive relationship so the process is the same.
• Be nice and mature.  Honesty is always appreciated but there is no need to be rude or put on a show.  No need to give them a taste of their own medicine.  And no need to turn this into a public display.  Remember, you are preserving your sexy.  Sexy people don’t do anything that will cause wrinkles.  End of story.
• Stop saying their name.  Every time you give this person a thought, you give them power.  The goal is to relinquish the demon out of your life.  This person should not be a recurring role in your prime time drama.  You are the star of the show.  This person is just another washed up actor on a VH1 reality show trying to make a quick buck.

It will take a while. Trust me. But it’s worth it. You will be in a more positive light that will attract more positive people to you. And this will empower you to be extremely productive.

[iTunes Podcast]

But there has always been a special place in my heart for Rhianna ever since she asked Mister DJ “pon da replay.”

Here is a list of reasons why I have often fantasized about beating Rhianna in her face:

1. She was in the sequel to “Bring It On”… and had lines… (whose idea was that).
2. She ruined Nike commercials for me.
3. She replaced Christian Milian and stole the song S.O.S. from her.
4. Her head is too small for her body.
5. She talks funny.
6. No one from here home land of Barbados likes her.
7. She cannot give an interview to save her life.
8. She cannot dance… at all…
9. She had the audacity to laugh at Britney Spears during the VMAs.  Even though my baby sucked, Rhianna has NEVER in her life been able to carry on a decent performance.
10. She’s only 20.
11. They are considering her to play a young version of Storm.  Halle Berry was bad enough in that role, why continue that legacy.
12. She made one of my friends cry at the Walgreen on Michigan Avenue… allegedly.
13. I have been told she works for Satan…. If you don’t believe that, go YouTube and search rhianna + satan
14. Her chunky legs are insured for over a million dollars!?!?!?

So you can understand why Chris Brown had to handle his business on that girl.  I totally get it.  Chris, this makes us best friends now.  I couldn’t stand you until I heard the good news.  You are my hero and your Super Sweet 18 did not suck as much as I told people.

Sincerely Enjoying the Irony,

Quintin

Disturbia, SOS, and Rehab have new meanings to her.