Alright. I’ve Had Enough.
There’s a cozy spot on State Street in Chicago’s Loop that I like to call “The Shoe District” between Monroe & Jackson. There you’ll find stores like Foot Locker, Akira, and the stupid Crocs store that I’ve successfully avoided. If you don’t know how I feel about Crocs, you should probably review my article on them before finishing this post cause its about to get a little dirty, up in here… up… in… here.
A few years ago, Sketchers released a new shoe called the “Shape Up.” I found it hard to believe that a company notorious for the world’s ugliest adult sneaker would have the audacity to one up themselves with a shoe with a round bottom. The ads featured lean, racially ambiguous, people enjoying life with their plugly (plastic + ugly) footwear. I never thought it would catch on. I kept thinking to myself, “Who in these United States of America and Toronto would wear a shoe like that?”
The same type of people that would wear Crocs.
God damn the nation. This summer has been filled with people wobbling around, sporting their uneven pavement stompers as if this innovation in fashion is seriously affecting their health in a positive way. And I’m not seeing athletes wear these shoes, it seems to be the notorious unhealthy population who have decided that this is a better alternative to actual exercise. Some of the perks include: not sweating, sort of feeling the burn around the joints, and ruining your life.
The look of Sketchers is already juvenile. They’re cute on toddlers but not on tax paying adults. Pair these gym shoes with jeans and a shirt and you’ll be walking out of your house looking like a Rug Rat.
If you’ve considered purchasing a pair of these sex appeal-killers, keep in mind that they physically inhibit your ability to move. You can’t run or jog in them. And you wouldn’t be able to play any sports with them. It’s all a marketing ploy designed to support inactive people.