The Chris Brown Apology

Before, when I would use “Chris Brown” as a verb it meant:

[Kris Broun] -verb
1. to strike violently or forcefully and repeatedly.
2. to give blows to the head; pound
3. to cut, wound, or tear with the teeth
4. to kill by stopping the breath in any manner; choke; stifle; suffocate.

Tamara, if you don’t shut the hell up I will Chris Brown you then sell your body to the Mormons.

Doesn’t that sound like fun? Oh, it was such a great addition to my quintonic dictionary until:

[Awkward Silence]
Is he… for serious?

I mean he nearly kills our only black Cover Girl, and tries to play it off like a professional writer didn’t make this speech for him. Chris, some of them words are too big for you dude.

My favorite part:

My mother and my spiritual teachers have taught me way better than that. I TOLD RHIANNA…

 

I don’t think you really need a spiritual teacher to tell you to avoid putting someone in a headlock nonjokingly with the intent to kill. Don’t you just hate people who give you tired old formal apologies but still plan to kill you the next time they get a chance? And that is what the new Chris Brown means

[kris brown] -verb

1. to give a wiggity wack apology only because you got caught or called out for doing something you knew you had no business doing.
2. to appear regretful to a female while plotting to ruin her life further with you fists and/or teeth.

Tamara, I’m so sorry for pushing your head into the CTA door like that. It was immature. My mother and my spiritual teachers taught me better -BAM!- Take that! -Slap Slap- Ha! How you like me now, wotie.

I know his people are about to launch a full throttle campaign to get him back on the charts… but that police report is a reminder to anyone who has a sister, daughter, niece, aunt and mother that abusive men exist and that we should all be on the lookout for the signs. Ten dollars to the person who can explain to me why he’s still alive… No, really. :-/

PS. I really did push Tamara’s head into CTA property earlier today… then she cooked me dinner. I’m just being honest. Tweet