My First Felony

It was a cool dark night, the start of Summertime Chi. I just got back from working at the gym and I was overly excited about this protein shake recipe I invented. It was my big F-U to Jamba Juice and their overpriced Peanut Butter ‘Mood.

4 Scoops Chocolate protein powder
2 Heaping Scoops Coconut Milk Ice Cream
2 Cups of Ice
1 Cup Vanilla Almond Milk
1/2 Frozen Banana
2 Tablespoons Peanut Better

Blended to smoothness… But there was something missing.

I kept forgetting this ingredient, it was so basic.

A straw.

But not just ANY kind of of straw. A straw that would allow me to drink this thick beverage comfortably without putting strain on my cheeks or causing the vain in my forehead to jet out. Have you ever attempted to drink a shake from Potbelly’s? They use regular straws so that they can put a cookie garnish on them. Sure, it’s cute and pretty but the sipping experience is like giving birth to a baby in reverse.

Growing sick of attempting to drink these shakes straight out of the cup, I decided that I would venture out and get the appropriate straws. And you KNOW that only one place on Earth makes straws like that.

So I left my apartment, sans wallet or cash, to go confiscate me some straws from Mickey D’s as if this were something that everyone does on a school night.

I walked into the joint. It was dead. There was an angry silence in the air despite the Olivia Newton John track playing in the background. I looked over to my right and I saw a glorious opened box of straws. I didn’t think twice. I just walked over to it, grabbed a fistful and –

“Ay! Porish aqua borrino te leon serica nana!!!!”

(I should probably note that I am not a speaker of spanish… despite what others assume.)

ME: Um….

McDonald’s Manager: Surro que cosa me si rollo nuevo!

ME: What? Sir.. I am not a speaker of spanish…. despite what—

MM: You are stealing!

ME: Straws… These are straws.

MM: Those are not yours. You did not order many drinks for those.

ME: I can… or I can just put them back?

MM: No!!!! You touch them all over!

ME: Well, how do you want to resolve this? Cause I’m already over it. I can go to another McDonald’s. I’m just saying.

MM: No! You stay here! I already called police.

(At this point I started to think that the straws might have had diamonds in them.)

ME: Whoa.

(Security guard enters room)

Security Guard: Man, whatchu doin?

ME: I was just, you know, trying to get some straws.

SG: You can’t just be coming up in “hurr” like you own the place and be taking shit. That’s what’s wrong with you kids, just entitled to every God damned thing.

ME: I’m 23… and a grad student. And I’m going to leave.

SG: Oh so now you want to leave? You done harassing people? Off to hop on the train with your friends to the south side?

ME: Are you trying to be funny? I don’t understand your humor… sir.

SG: Don’t be getting wordy with me, now. I’ll take you down. You want to go toe to toe…

(At this point I have been twittering like crazy)

SG: And who are you texting?!

ME: Like 400 people who will not believe I’m about to experience security guard brutality over some straws. Are you going to hit me?

SG: Naw, I was just going to scare you really…

ME: Again, I do not understand your humor.

MM: Arrest him for stealing! He is taking the property that does not belong to him.

ME: You called security. If he arrests me… where does he put me? In his office?

A long awkward silence ensued as I tweeted my way out of boredom. Never have I ever been so disrespectful in a McDonald’s restaurant.

SG: You don’t even feel bad.

ME: I have class in the morning.

SG: Bet it ain’t bible class. You kids these days need to learn the good word and come up off the streets.

ME: Okay. I’m done. Here you go.

I gave him all but one straw I was allowed to place in my pocket earlier.

ME: I’m sorry.

[Another long silence]

SG: Do you accept his apology?

MM: Yes. He can leave.

ME: What do you mean does he accept my apology?!

SG: Please leave.

I felt stupid. Who in the hizell gets in trouble for taking straws from a fast food restaurant in the loop? I had to take the longest walk of shame back to my apartment with a half melted Anti-Jamba smoothie waiting for me on the kitchen counter. I opened my plus sized straw proudly, and stabbed it into the cold depths of my glass and sipped bitterly as I read the responses I was getting on twitter and facebook. Everyone thought it was funny. I didn’t. If I hadn’t apologized, I probably would have had my portrait posted on a wall near the register with ” CUIDADO!” in black Sharpee.

My life.