Today Did Not Happen… Or did it?!!?!?!
Today I burned myself.
You know those microwaveable brownies that come in a bowl and take 40 seconds to cook? Well, let me tell you something about those things. When it says allow to cool for two minutes, you do that shit! Don’t you dare think you are above the law. I learned a very valuable lesson. I took the thing out and the smell started seducing me. I rushed to get the packet of frosting open, but the nozzle was too narrow. So I was squeezing it intensely in a downward motion…
My hand slipped….
And went straight into this hot bowl of molten chocolate delciousness! I screamed so loud. My knuckels felt like I had scraped them on concrete or your momma’s face when she doesn’t shave. It hurt me so much. My door was open, and someone walked by and was like “Dude, are you okay?” After catching the holy ghost and doing jig with tears in my eyes I yelled, “No! I just fisted my brownie!!!!!!!!” I just fisted my brownie.
Fisting Chocolate… Get it? HA!
No… my day is not over KEEP READING.
So my mom calls me about 9 times today, and sends me a text message “You need to call me.” I thought to myself, oh no something happened, why on earth would my mom call me so many times within thirty minutes if it wasn’t an emergency? What a dumb question… I have known this woman for 8 years.
So I called back with one hand on the phone and the other under running water. My mom then takes it upon herself to inform me of a recent study of the rise of testicular cancer in men in their early 20s. Are you kidding? “Quintin, this is not game.” “Mom I do not want to have this conversation right now.” “Boy, this is serious! Shana knows how to check for breast cancer, and you need to know how to check for such things too. Stop being immature and listen.” So I listened to my mom talk about balls. My balls to be exact. Granted she does work in Urology but who wants to think about a cist growing on their cage. Where the babies come from?!?! Not me. But I guess it’s great to know that I will not be pulling a Lance Armstrong (or Tom Green) anytime soon.
Oh no this note is not over… you must keep reading. And to top it all off, Quintin had to call someone out today. And he called them out like it was the first day of Black History Month. I got on the elevator today, on my way to work to teach kickboxing. So, I’m riding it with another student, carrying on a nice and friendly conversation. When all of a sudden the elevator stops on the 8th floor. This girl walks her cheerful self on the lift, head down, looking into her beautiful i-pod nano screen like she’s the queen of the building. And then…. her heiness says… “Hit 3.” This was the day I decided to stand right next to the buttons. “3″ She repeated herself. Apparently I looked confused. I sort of was confused because I had never seen this little white girl before a day in my life. I hit 6. She gave me a look. Doors open. I told her to get off my elevator. Now. NO. NAAAAAAAAAoooooooooWWWWAAAAAAH…….. My elevator friend started cracking up as the female found heself picking up her face on the 6th floor. And because I got that awesome Theatre degree from Loyola, I put a little icing on that cake by standing in the dead center of the elevator with a “Now, what wottie?!” look on my face as the doors slowly closed.
So what did we learn today?
1) Follow the directions for anything involving chocolate.
2) Cancer is the ultimate betrayer.
3) Black people have hereditary Post-traumatic Stress Disorder resulting from slavery and it is not a good idea to induce flashbacks.
4) Knowing your angles and finding your light will make any altercation work in your favor. Thanks Tyra! (I mean… Loyola?)
They are going to have the cutest black babies!!!
Comments
By MightE on December 15th, 2008 at 9:50 am
“Black people have hereditary Post-traumatic Stress Disorder resulting from slavery and it is not a good idea to induce flashbacks.”
that’s hilarious
By qxr on December 15th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Thank you! I try hard.
By Aliy on December 27th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
Ok, we need to be friends..lol
you’re funny(Fisting Chocolate….induce flashbacks)…..hahahaha that was funny!
People are that rude out there?
By qxr on December 28th, 2008 at 2:06 am
OMG they are so rude… these little bastards. LOL
By Natalie on April 2nd, 2009 at 9:12 pm
“I took the thing out and the smell started seducing me.”
Lol you’re insane.
& you make my love for Loyola grow more and more everyyyy day =/ haha
Eventful day.
PS: Your mom is pretty much awesome.
By uglyrainbow on April 3rd, 2009 at 2:27 am
they look like they’re made of chocolate
By Wes on October 29th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
“I hit 6. She gave me a look. Doors open. I told her to get off my elevator. Now.”
HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO FUNNY!
You should check every time you get out the shower. The warm makes the scrotum firm up so you can feel for lumps.
I know this shit because last semester when I found a lump I freaked out and had to get the most AWKWARD checkup and do an ultrasound (I was sitting in line with like 2 dozen pregnant chicks) but it turned out it wasn’t cancer or anything. Apparrently like 1 in 4 guys develop a nothing lump like that “cyst”
NOW THAT SHIT IS WEIRD